Got my hopes up. I should’ve known! He was way too perfect.... way too good for me. I envy the woman who gets to marry that man. I envy her so much! Why am I so sad? I don’t swear often and certainly not over my blog but FUCK! Hurts a lot. Hate this a lot.
I’ve been in literal constant prayer, asking for help and healing. It hurts. So. Bad.
I’m going to take a break from blogging for a bit, sorry doods.
Thursday, April 4, 2019
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
The Rollercoaster that is my Mind
15 years sad, 7 months not. Another year sad, couple months not. ON...OFF.
"It'll get better."... when? I believe this statement on those couple of days-months that everything doesn't suck but what about the years that do? My mind is broken. I break down screaming "Something's wrong with me!", but I don't know how to resolve this issue. I get that no one is happy 24/7 and that everyone gets sad sometimes but it's not like that for me. It's sad most of the time and every once in awhile I'll be happy. My definition of happy isn't even the norm of happy, either. Happy for me includes the days my mind isn't at war. It's not the "genuinely happy" moments that others get. I'm a sad person. I've tried to fix it but there's always something to tear me down.
Prozac, Zoloft, Gabapentin... which one will work? Everyone has given up, me too. I keep getting worse. There were moments in the past when I thought "Wow, this is definitely the lowest it'll get.". Now, I look back at those moments and long for them back. As I've grown older, this sadness has grown, too. It's to the point where I can barely even write about it. I use to have such strong words to write and it all flowed out so well. Now, I just don't care, everything is useless.
I am burning down.
"It'll get better."... when? I believe this statement on those couple of days-months that everything doesn't suck but what about the years that do? My mind is broken. I break down screaming "Something's wrong with me!", but I don't know how to resolve this issue. I get that no one is happy 24/7 and that everyone gets sad sometimes but it's not like that for me. It's sad most of the time and every once in awhile I'll be happy. My definition of happy isn't even the norm of happy, either. Happy for me includes the days my mind isn't at war. It's not the "genuinely happy" moments that others get. I'm a sad person. I've tried to fix it but there's always something to tear me down.
Prozac, Zoloft, Gabapentin... which one will work? Everyone has given up, me too. I keep getting worse. There were moments in the past when I thought "Wow, this is definitely the lowest it'll get.". Now, I look back at those moments and long for them back. As I've grown older, this sadness has grown, too. It's to the point where I can barely even write about it. I use to have such strong words to write and it all flowed out so well. Now, I just don't care, everything is useless.
I am burning down.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
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