Got my hopes up. I should’ve known! He was way too perfect.... way too good for me. I envy the woman who gets to marry that man. I envy her so much! Why am I so sad? I don’t swear often and certainly not over my blog but FUCK! Hurts a lot. Hate this a lot.
I’ve been in literal constant prayer, asking for help and healing. It hurts. So. Bad.
I’m going to take a break from blogging for a bit, sorry doods.
Thursday, April 4, 2019
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
The Rollercoaster that is my Mind
15 years sad, 7 months not. Another year sad, couple months not. ON...OFF.
"It'll get better."... when? I believe this statement on those couple of days-months that everything doesn't suck but what about the years that do? My mind is broken. I break down screaming "Something's wrong with me!", but I don't know how to resolve this issue. I get that no one is happy 24/7 and that everyone gets sad sometimes but it's not like that for me. It's sad most of the time and every once in awhile I'll be happy. My definition of happy isn't even the norm of happy, either. Happy for me includes the days my mind isn't at war. It's not the "genuinely happy" moments that others get. I'm a sad person. I've tried to fix it but there's always something to tear me down.
Prozac, Zoloft, Gabapentin... which one will work? Everyone has given up, me too. I keep getting worse. There were moments in the past when I thought "Wow, this is definitely the lowest it'll get.". Now, I look back at those moments and long for them back. As I've grown older, this sadness has grown, too. It's to the point where I can barely even write about it. I use to have such strong words to write and it all flowed out so well. Now, I just don't care, everything is useless.
I am burning down.
"It'll get better."... when? I believe this statement on those couple of days-months that everything doesn't suck but what about the years that do? My mind is broken. I break down screaming "Something's wrong with me!", but I don't know how to resolve this issue. I get that no one is happy 24/7 and that everyone gets sad sometimes but it's not like that for me. It's sad most of the time and every once in awhile I'll be happy. My definition of happy isn't even the norm of happy, either. Happy for me includes the days my mind isn't at war. It's not the "genuinely happy" moments that others get. I'm a sad person. I've tried to fix it but there's always something to tear me down.
Prozac, Zoloft, Gabapentin... which one will work? Everyone has given up, me too. I keep getting worse. There were moments in the past when I thought "Wow, this is definitely the lowest it'll get.". Now, I look back at those moments and long for them back. As I've grown older, this sadness has grown, too. It's to the point where I can barely even write about it. I use to have such strong words to write and it all flowed out so well. Now, I just don't care, everything is useless.
I am burning down.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Best Friend - Boyfriend - Fiancé
I’ve been gone for quite some while, for those of you who are listening, here’s a few months worth of news....
Remember that best friend? He became my boyfriend! It really didn’t take long for us to fall in love, it’s pretty amazing. Anyway, a few days ago was our one year anniversary! A lot has happened in that year! We started dating the day after Christmas, we moved into our own apartment, we got ENGAGED, and are now planning a wedding! Let me explain myself: in a few months, Chris will be going to the military! When he returns for a short week, we will be getting married! We both decided that we want nothing more than to be together forever. So, I will be going with him to his military training and anywhere else the military takes us. I am only 18, yes, but this isn’t a “met him in a week, engaged in two” kind of thing. This is a “known each other for years, fell in love and new” sort of thing. He’s great. Because of him, I’ve overcome A LOT! I hope to start posting regularly! Bye!
Remember that best friend? He became my boyfriend! It really didn’t take long for us to fall in love, it’s pretty amazing. Anyway, a few days ago was our one year anniversary! A lot has happened in that year! We started dating the day after Christmas, we moved into our own apartment, we got ENGAGED, and are now planning a wedding! Let me explain myself: in a few months, Chris will be going to the military! When he returns for a short week, we will be getting married! We both decided that we want nothing more than to be together forever. So, I will be going with him to his military training and anywhere else the military takes us. I am only 18, yes, but this isn’t a “met him in a week, engaged in two” kind of thing. This is a “known each other for years, fell in love and new” sort of thing. He’s great. Because of him, I’ve overcome A LOT! I hope to start posting regularly! Bye!
Sunday, November 26, 2017
Well, it seems, I'm in love with my best friend...
This is definitely something like a movie. Very strange, interesting, very odd, delightful even. His name is Chris, we have been great friends since middle school. We are both in our junior year now. It's a very frustrated thing, this feeling. I'm not quite sure how to comprehend it. I've been struggling with what to do for quite some time now. It didn't happen all at once, at all. It started out by telling each other we found the other attractive (I don't know why we got on that topic but it happened). Then, we joked about what it would be like if we liked each other. And to our surprise, it happened. Then we BOTH fell deeper and deeper in love. It's insane. Unfortunately, Chris has a girlfriend. This happened way before we realized the feelings we had. He and I both agreed how shitty it'd be to dump his girlfriend for me. I wouldn't want that. But we both want to be together, and maybe that's wrong, seeing how he's in a relationship. Maybe that's part of the thrill in being in love though, the dangerous side. So here I am, here we both are, waiting. Waiting to be together, it hurts. But I know it'll someday be worth it. I am in love with him. I will wait.
I even wrote a song about this adventure, go check it out!
I'll be sure to keep updating.
Monday, June 5, 2017
Heart Break for Me
I was dating this guy from October of 2015 to November 2016. With all the shit in my life, he was the most beautiful distraction I could've gotten. He gave me the best year of my life! He was the best thing that has ever happened to me...until he was the worse.
Around eight-nine months in, he got really abusive. Our relationship was falling apart but I was way too scared to admit it so I let it go on way too long.
Finally, we both came to realization that it was over and was not going to get any better. He drove me home one last time from school and we both broke down crying. I watched him drive away and I just collapsed. I finally got myself into my house and screamed, and I mean really screamed. It was gone, my happiness. My love was gone. I felt so scared and devastated. I was completely alone. Finally after hours of crying, I had no choice but to just lay there, feeling numb. Completely numb. I felt dead, I even convinced myself that I wasn't human. Because it was just so inhumane to feel this kind of sadness. I honestly feel like a break up can sometimes be harder than a death. Because when someone dies, they don't have a choice, they don't mean to hurt you. But in a break up, and mine especially, he definitely meant to hurt me. He was so incredibly mean to me after the break up. He called me horrible things and made up horrible rumors. The sadness I felt was so intense. I thought I was going to die from it. And yes, I know, I sound so dramatic, but it's what I felt. There is no exaggeration to this description of tragedy that I went through. This pain lasted 5 months on full power. To this day, I think about him and I miss him. I wish things never ended. I have a new boyfriend now, but I still can't help but to try and turn this boyfriend into my first love.
Around eight-nine months in, he got really abusive. Our relationship was falling apart but I was way too scared to admit it so I let it go on way too long.
Finally, we both came to realization that it was over and was not going to get any better. He drove me home one last time from school and we both broke down crying. I watched him drive away and I just collapsed. I finally got myself into my house and screamed, and I mean really screamed. It was gone, my happiness. My love was gone. I felt so scared and devastated. I was completely alone. Finally after hours of crying, I had no choice but to just lay there, feeling numb. Completely numb. I felt dead, I even convinced myself that I wasn't human. Because it was just so inhumane to feel this kind of sadness. I honestly feel like a break up can sometimes be harder than a death. Because when someone dies, they don't have a choice, they don't mean to hurt you. But in a break up, and mine especially, he definitely meant to hurt me. He was so incredibly mean to me after the break up. He called me horrible things and made up horrible rumors. The sadness I felt was so intense. I thought I was going to die from it. And yes, I know, I sound so dramatic, but it's what I felt. There is no exaggeration to this description of tragedy that I went through. This pain lasted 5 months on full power. To this day, I think about him and I miss him. I wish things never ended. I have a new boyfriend now, but I still can't help but to try and turn this boyfriend into my first love.
The Past to Present
As a child, I was never really considered the "happiest" of the bunch. I have five other siblings, they are absolutely beautiful and I adore each and everyone of them. But, we only have two parents and it was hard for them to give each and everyone of us attention. This is my theory on why I am the "way I am".
I knew I was "different" around third grade, which is a very young age to even know what real sadness is. Around fourth grade is when I started realizing my weight. I was in fourth. grade. This breaks my heart repeatedly. I never have had a problem with my weight, I have always been a healthy, thin girl. But I didn't know that, I actually wanted to be like the anorexic girls I saw on YouTube and T.V.. Little did I know that my "wish" would come true, and that I would feel things I never thought would be possible.
So, fourth grade started my weight obsession. Fifth grade is when I first thought about dying. I told my friends I wanted to die, I talked to my counselors at school about dying and my mom was called. Of course, she passed it off as a phase.This is extremely reasonable to think though, sadly, it was no phase. I felt so lost at such a young age. I had friends, my grades were good, I didn't know why I was so sad. But I know now, it has nothing to do with my physical life, and everything to do with my mentality. I was sick, born sick, still sick, dear God, please don't let me always be this way.
Sixth grade, twelve years old. I used a small kitchen knife and cute my skin. It didn't even hurt, it felt normal. I wanted to die so badly, I was so afraid of everything in my life. I went through my hallway closet and found chemicals. I mixed these chemicals together and drank it! Unfortunately (fortunately?), they had no effect.
Seventh grade only got worse, I lost most of my friends and experienced minor bullying. Self-harm got way out of hand and I was cutting nearly every inch on my body. Finally, in April of that year, my parents sent me to a mental hospital called Laurelwood. My stay there can be documented as the worst week of my life. My parents had no other choice though, they were afraid that they couldn't keep me safe so they sent me where I could be monitored twenty-four/seven. There, I learned how to puke. A anorexic who was a year older than me, so fourteen at the time, taught me all of her methods, tricks, and ways on how to throw up. Together, we would skip and limit meals. After our meals, we sneaked salt packets back up into the room we shared and mixed them with a cup of water. This was one of the many ways to throw up. After my stay at the hospital, I tried to look okay so that I never had to go back.
Eighth grade. This was the year that things once again got out of hand, this may be explained in future blog posts. But, my parents ended up sending me to live with my aunt and uncle in another state for the summer. This was very scary for me and once again had to try to seem okay.
Ninth grade. I was older now. I knew other ways to try and hurt myself and tried them all. I got sent home many times for cutting in the school bathroom. October of that year, I got my first real boyfriend and fell in love.
Tenth grade. The boy broke my heart, the boy broke my world.
You're all caught up now. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been sadness in a nutshell 😏.
I knew I was "different" around third grade, which is a very young age to even know what real sadness is. Around fourth grade is when I started realizing my weight. I was in fourth. grade. This breaks my heart repeatedly. I never have had a problem with my weight, I have always been a healthy, thin girl. But I didn't know that, I actually wanted to be like the anorexic girls I saw on YouTube and T.V.. Little did I know that my "wish" would come true, and that I would feel things I never thought would be possible.
So, fourth grade started my weight obsession. Fifth grade is when I first thought about dying. I told my friends I wanted to die, I talked to my counselors at school about dying and my mom was called. Of course, she passed it off as a phase.This is extremely reasonable to think though, sadly, it was no phase. I felt so lost at such a young age. I had friends, my grades were good, I didn't know why I was so sad. But I know now, it has nothing to do with my physical life, and everything to do with my mentality. I was sick, born sick, still sick, dear God, please don't let me always be this way.
Sixth grade, twelve years old. I used a small kitchen knife and cute my skin. It didn't even hurt, it felt normal. I wanted to die so badly, I was so afraid of everything in my life. I went through my hallway closet and found chemicals. I mixed these chemicals together and drank it! Unfortunately (fortunately?), they had no effect.
Seventh grade only got worse, I lost most of my friends and experienced minor bullying. Self-harm got way out of hand and I was cutting nearly every inch on my body. Finally, in April of that year, my parents sent me to a mental hospital called Laurelwood. My stay there can be documented as the worst week of my life. My parents had no other choice though, they were afraid that they couldn't keep me safe so they sent me where I could be monitored twenty-four/seven. There, I learned how to puke. A anorexic who was a year older than me, so fourteen at the time, taught me all of her methods, tricks, and ways on how to throw up. Together, we would skip and limit meals. After our meals, we sneaked salt packets back up into the room we shared and mixed them with a cup of water. This was one of the many ways to throw up. After my stay at the hospital, I tried to look okay so that I never had to go back.
Eighth grade. This was the year that things once again got out of hand, this may be explained in future blog posts. But, my parents ended up sending me to live with my aunt and uncle in another state for the summer. This was very scary for me and once again had to try to seem okay.
Ninth grade. I was older now. I knew other ways to try and hurt myself and tried them all. I got sent home many times for cutting in the school bathroom. October of that year, I got my first real boyfriend and fell in love.
Tenth grade. The boy broke my heart, the boy broke my world.
You're all caught up now. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been sadness in a nutshell 😏.
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